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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127444">Monachopsis</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eitaist/pseuds/eitaist'>eitaist</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Childhood, Depiction of Bullying, Friendship, Gen, i will fite those who will hurt him, minor(?) angst, tendou deserves everything</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:21:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,939</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127444</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eitaist/pseuds/eitaist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tendou just wanted a friend. The world isn't too kind to give him what he has been wishing for.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>168</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Monachopsis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Monachopsis (noun): The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As a kid, Tendou never understood the concept of a childhood. </p><p>Not only that, there were many things about life that Tendou couldn't grasp on yet. What does it mean to have a happy childhood- or just the childhood itself? That was something he never really thought about since he felt like his life was somewhat fine. His parents didn't fail to shower him love, attention and all the things he deserved, having them as his best friends were enough til they got too caught up with work, leaving Tendou alone on weekdays with their dog. </p><p>"Satori, come now we have to go." His mother called him from the living room with her usual sweet tone. Tendou couldn't stop the smile from growing on his face as excitement rushed through him. </p><p>His parents weren't exactly loaded but there was no away that they would let his 8th birthday pass with just a cake and a candle. They have decided to throw a small children's party for Tendou at this certain restaurant. It's not that big really, but Tendou was never the type of a kid who would weigh things like that. He appreciates everything that his parents do for him, big or small. Of course, he wanted that too, celebrating his birthday with not just his parents and their dog but with the presence of the whole neighbourhood and their other relatives. </p><p>Just the thought of other kids eating and playing with him at his birthday party got him so excited for this day to come that he hadn't even slept well for the past days ever since his parents broke the news to him. No one couldn't really blame him. Besides, a birthday party is all a child could ever ask for their birthday.</p><p> </p><p>"What a cute tie you got there, big boy." His mom cooed as she knelt on the floor for a bit, fixing the red bow tie attached on his collar. He gave his mom a wide smile after the process, not able to articulate a response. </p><p>"Alright, let's go." He watched his parents go to the door first before he followed, clutching on his small teddy bear. He named it "Tori", basing the name from his own. </p><p> </p><p>For the past nightmares of Tendou, Tori had always been there beside him, protecting him from the monsters in his head. But this time, he chose to leave Tori in the car's backseat, convincing himself that he's already a big boy and that he didn't need Tori anymore. </p><p> </p><p>The light ambiance of the venue welcomed them as they stepped inside, everything was decorated with sesame street for the theme since Tendou really liked watching the said cartoons before his bed time, though most of the time he stays up past bed time to watch other stuff like Spongebob and Mr. Bean. But if he was to choose a favourite then it's definitely the sesame street. </p><p>Tendou failed to contain the excitement building up in his system as he left his mother's hold and approached the huge Elmo standee beside his birthday tarpauline with a "Happy Birthday, Satori!" written in good font. Everything his eyes caught were really beautiful and he's just too grateful now to his parents for making this happen.</p><p>"Be careful, Satori." His dad reminded him, taking a seat beside his wife who was showing a glint of nervousness. </p><p>"Do you think we're just too early?" </p><p>Tendou was too busy checking everything out to notice that the place was only filled with the waiters and waitresses.</p><p>"It's just 5:10, they'll be here soon." </p><p> </p><p>By the time Tendou got tired, it was already 6 in the evening. His party was supposed to start a few minutes ago but they chose to delay the whole program to wait for a little bit longer for those who were running late. A few of his relatives were already seated scatteredly, having little conversations with each other as they all let the time pass. His older cousins came too, but he never really get along with them, they used to call him names and physically lay their hands on him, though Tendou never fought back nor told his parents about it because he felt like he would be badmouthing them and he didn't want that. </p><p>His parents taught him not to talk bad about other people.</p><p>He looked around to see that none of their neighbors have showed up yet, or perhaps they're just late as well? He shrugged as he pasted himself on the huge chair placed in front of the people, it was where the birthday boy should be sitting, and he knew he had to behave so the party could go smoothly. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> <em> "Shouldn't this be a children's party? Where are the children?" </em> </p><p>The sound of his cousin's voice rang through his ears. He was right, it should've been a party for children, the place should've been full of laughters and giggles, kids chasing each other down while the elders should've just been gossiping. Instead, his aunts and uncles were the ones who participated in the games designed for kids. Only three eights of the seats were taken and most of them were just his relatives. </p><p>No one from their street showed up, some texted beforehand that they wouldn't make it but most didn't even bother to let them know. Even Tendou's classmates from the last school year failed to go. </p><p> <em> "Satori has no friends!" </em> </p><p> <em> "No one wants to be his friend because he's a monster! Monster!" </em> </p><p> <em> "Freak! Your cake tasted awful too, ew!" </em> </p><p>Tendou hugged his teddy bear close to his chest, feeling the tiny ache upon remembering all the bad words that left his cousins' mouths. His cake, that was his most favorite thing about his little birthday party along with the balloons, it was molded into the shape of elmo's head with the sweet icing coloring it according to their parts and he found it really really cute. It really pained him to hear that he was the only one who liked it. </p><p>Maybe he wasn't a big boy yet.</p><p>It was 7:40 in the evening and they were on their way home, the party ended pretty earlier than planned and neither of his parents were speaking, as if both of them were scared of saying something that could make Tendou even gloomier. They knew that he had waited for his birthday to come, only to see people not showing up, especially his classmates. </p><p>It was fine, having their relatives celebrate with him. But maybe, he expected kids his age to play toy trucks with him and show off his new toys. Not just his aunts.. trying to lift his mood up. Though he was grateful they came. </p><p> </p><p>It will pass, or so his parents thought. Tendou was not exactly the type of a kid who would keep bitter memories. He gets sad for days then he gets over it. That had always been the cycle, except for now, it seemed like Tendou didn't have any plan to get over it sooner. </p><p>When they arrived home, he expressed his thanks to his parents before he walked in a haste to his room and shut himself out. </p><p> </p><p>They knew that their son wasn't exactly getting along with other kids, they tried to enroll him in a volleyball camp for kids since it's not a secret that Tendou has a thing for the ball game, yet that only lasted for days, Tendou already said he got tired of it and that he might not really like it as much as they thought. For other parents, that could've worked but Tendou's not a great liar and his parents knew him too well. </p><p>That didn't really convince them completely, their gut feeling really pointed that the kids weren't treating Tendou right so they stopped dropping him off of the camp and maybe just look for another workshop. </p><p>Tendou wasn't a quiet kid, he often has many stories to talk about. Unfortunately, his parents' energy weren't unlimited. They couldn't really listen to what he wants to talk about after they get home from work, it's just pure fatigue eating them out. So most of the time, Tendou just keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to add up to his parents stress. </p><p>Despite of that, they still never forget to tuck Tendou in his bed every night. </p><p>One day, his mom caught him staring at the mirror intensely, he was staring for too long til his mom could no longer bear with it and asked him what was up. Tendou just said he didn't want his hair to be cut like that anymore, he wanted to change his haircut so that he would look more "normal". Just the statement of him asking to look more normal brought tears to his mother's eyes, how could an eight year old kid say that?</p><p><em> Tendou is a freak! </em> </p><p> <em> You look like a yokai! </em></p><p> <em> We don't want to play with a monster, go away! </em> </p><p>The eight year old barely had any idea as to why the other kids dislike him. Dislike. They dislike him. It was not simply just not getting along, they just didn't want to give Tendou a chance. Tendou was usually slow at comprehending his emotions mirror with others but he wasn't stupid, he knows when someone isn't fond of his presence. They all stride away from him even before he can get closer to them. They all acted as if Tendou was really a freak.</p><p> <em> Am I really a freak? </em> </p><p>He couldn't help to think that something was really off with him.. be it appearance or himself in general. </p><p>Tendou shook his head at the sudden thought, he shouldn't be dwelling on his sadness right now. Maybe when he becomes a big boy, he would understand what really was wrong. </p><p> </p><p>It's Saturday, it's his parents day off from work and his mom decided to take him to the playground while his dad chose to just relax at home. </p><p>They were on their way to the playground when he started having bad thoughts, what if the kids won't give him another chance? What if they call him names again? But then again, he's with his mom. Surely kids would not dare to pick with him if he has an elder with him. </p><p> </p><p>The weather was nice, not too perfect for playing but it wasn't so bad either. The playground wasn't too pact like what they expected, there were just a few kids wandering around and loudly playing with one another.</p><p>Tendou's mom decided to just sit on the bench while Tendou took skeptical steps towards the playing kids, who just eyed him from head to toe as if scanning him before they looked away, indicating that they didn't want to do anything with him. </p><p>But maybe if Tendou tried to initiate the friendship, it might work. So he swallowed his worry, glancing at his mom's direction who was talking to someone over the phone and clearly distracted. Then he licked his lips before he steadily looked at the kids near him, they seemed like they were about his age too, some looked older than him but that didn't matter as long as he makes friends successfully. So he smiled at them, eyes glinting hope and heart beating loudly in his chest due to uncertainty. </p><p>"What are you looking at?" The tallest kid scoffed, obviously not liking the way Tendou gaze at them. "You're scaring us!" he pushed Tendou's shoulder, making him back away for a few steps but the smile on Tendou's face didn't falter. </p><p>"I'm sorry," Tendou apologized, his voice not too strong as he looked down on his feet. The little confidence he built earlier has crumbled down. "I was just wondering if I can play with you guys?" </p><p>The other kid wearing glasses whispered to the tall kid, his judging eyes not leaving Tendou's figure. </p><p>"Yeah sure, we might consider the idea." Tendou's face lit up, and before he knew it he was already smiling so widely.</p><p>He's finally making friends, his cousins won't bully him anymore for being alone.</p><p>"But humans don't play with monsters." </p><p>"Have the slide all for yourself, freak."</p><p>"Come on, let's go to the monkey bar!" </p><p> </p><p>That was enough to dishearten Tendou. </p><p>The familiar ache crept in his chest as he watched the kids scurry away from him and go to the other side of the playground, leaving him with tearful eyes. He thought he was doing good, he thought he was going to be a big boy now, he thought kids were finally acknowledging his presence.. in a good way. </p><p>He's confused. </p><p> <em> Monster! </em> </p><p> <em> Go away, freak! </em> </p><p> </p><p>What does it really mean to have a childhood? How do kids even get a happy one?

 Maybe childhood wasn't for everybody. He should just stop wishing for every falling star and just accept that he will never have any friend whom he can spend his childhood with, it wouldn't be that bad right? Making childhood memories alone, Tendou could live with that. </p><p> </p><p>He sat on the rusty swing, it would cling on his shirt and his mom would not like the idea of visible dirt on him but he had no energy to think about that.</p><p>Minutes passed, he was still by himself, quietly swaying the swing as he watched the kids who pushed him away laugh at whatever they were doing. They looked so happy, why did they look so happy after pushing a kid away? </p><p>Maybe Tendou really is, a monster. </p><p>He would be fine. He shouldn't worry about it. </p><p> </p><p>He would be fine but not when the feeling was still too fresh. He was getting tired of being pushed away and hearing hurtful words. </p><p>His tears continuously streamed down on his cheeks as he sobbed quietly on the swing, his back facing his mom's direction. He's just waiting for himself to stop crying so he could run back to his mother's arms and just go home. Tell her that he's tired and he just could just play cars at home. </p><p>The sun was starting to look heavy too, depicting that it was about to set. </p><p>Someone sat beside him, if the rusty swing didn't make a sound he wouldn't even notice it. It was a boy, carrying nothing but a volleyball. And when he stared at him, he found the pair of dark olive eyes staring back at him. It went on for a minute before Tendou finally broke the awkward tension and spoke up. </p><p>"Want to play with me?" his voice was small and full of hesitation. But the latter just nodded at him. Tendou tilted his head at confusion when the kid reached for him wordlessly and offered his hand for a handshake. </p><p>He shook it nonetheless.</p><p>Something sparked, it was just a little thing and it shouldn't even matter but for Tendou, it felt like he just won a bag full of toys because of the overflowing serotonin dripping in his system upon the realization.</p><p>He's finally making a friend after all those painful events he experienced as a kid. </p><p>"I'm Wakatoshi, Ushijima Wakatoshi." The kid introduced curtly before standing up from the swing and went in front of him, handing him the ball. </p><p>Tendou stared up at the kid standing in front of him as he took the ball. </p><p>"I'm Tendou Satori," </p><p>Maybe he should stay for a while and play with Wakatoshi, it wouldn't hurt to learn a few things from a new friend right? </p><p>They played as the sun went down, it seemed to happen in an abrupt moment. Or maybe the old folks were right, time flies fast when you're happy. Ushijima didn't talk much but his presence was enough to make Tendou more lively than earlier. They just played catch, both of them not really skilled at volleyball yet and they were just both at the process of learning the basics. Little patches of dust was painted on their clothes but they couldn't care less as they were too distracted laughing at each other, Tendou's laugh was undeniably louder though. </p><p>He was about to introduce Ushijima to his mom but then he found her on the bench already having a conversation with Ushijima's mom. They exchanged phone numbers so they could contact one another when the kids want to hang out, Ushijima's mom also recommended this certain volleyball camp, saying that the kids there were nice and Tendou should enroll so he can learn volleyball with Ushijima. </p><p>As a kid, the feeling of happiness was impossible to differentiate. If you're happy, you're just happy. Happiness is all the same. But somehow, this felt different.</p><p>This was it, the feeling of utter contentment. </p><p>Tendou knew that there was nothing to worry about anymore. He knew that when the day ends and they go home, he would still have a friend. Tomorrow will come and he will still have a friend. He will start the day and he wouldn't be so lonely anymore playing with his cars and Tori. He just made a friend. He made a friend and all those painful words thrown at him won't matter anymore. </p><p>Ushijima did not make him feel that he was different. He didn't call him anything. He just played with Tendou. Like a normal kid.</p><p>For the first time in Tendou's childhood, he finally felt normal.</p><p>It was as if, he belonged. </p><p> </p><p>He’s still a kid, Tendou still didn't understand the concept of having a happy childhood. But that doesn't matter anymore as long as he can spend his childhood with that one kid at the playground.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>you can reach me on twitter, @eitaist. 🥀</p></blockquote></div></div>
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